#70

When we lie together and fall asleep, we are always one entity. Whether it is him that is curled up behind me, or I pressed up against him, whether my toes are ticking his, or his hand is holding mine, whether my shoulder is crushing his, or his arm is thrown over my hip, there is always some form of contact. It is as if we can’t bear being apart, especially not in each-other’s presence. I flutter from slumber, and feel satiated. His arms are wrapped around me, and his nose nuzzling my neck, he whispers, “I love you.” This was today, and I think my reply was, “..me too.” Thinking it was too sweet I decided to add something along the lines of, “..that I love myself of course.” When it was finally time for him to leave today, I felt so sick that I did not even plead with him as I normally do to stay. He just tucked me in, and I let him slip past my consciousness. Bear texted while I was at a prep session today, he asked me if my world was replying to my texts. I told him that I wasn’t texting him, and Bear asked me why. It struck my curiosity as well. I came up with bits and memories of my feelings after he left, and realized I did not feel empty yet. His presence still permeated. Eventually I started to lose that feeling and tried to get into contact. It turned out he was asleep. He told me of two dreams, one where his parents blamed him for starting his sister on drugs (I doubt that will be a problem), the other where he was driving errands and realized he had my phone, and needed to return it. Both scratched my vanity, as the first was his subconscious protecting me, and the second was his subconscious wanting to get in contact with me. The latter I too had in one of my dreams, wherein I kept on asking my dream figures where my boyfriend was, because I really felt like I needed him.. except during that time I still had my blocks up along with the fact that him and I weren’t so close.. so my dream figures said, “We’re just figments of your imagination, what would we know?”.. they wholeheartedly denied his existence.  Home is where the heart is.

 

I laugh about one point in time during the morning when half awake I slipped from the covers and voiced how I needed to pee, then he covered me up, and I just lay there thinking of going to the washroom, but I kept on falling asleep. This occurred thrice, and then I finally was able to get up. The significance for me is the covering me up with the blankets, knowing I was a lazy bum unable to send myself off to the washroom. =)

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