#67

Last night in a mostly dormant stage I professed my love for him, and then succeeded into bringing the thought to reality in a snarky fashion after the annoyance of the unplugged phone. He reciprocated with his actions. “Thank you”, was my reply. It took him a lot of courage to work up to it, but he told me the most meaningful “I love you” today. We marveled at the sanctity of the words, while reflecting on the infantile play within an adult world.

#66

You did none of those things on that list. Except the G1 is still on its way. Today you cooked all by your lonesome, flavouring is lacking, but the effort is there. You are in a fantastic and supportive relationship. Living by yourself is harder but more rewarding that you thought it would be. Going to Boston was a guilt-trip, literally. Spending money on all the excesses, but it makes you want to work harder in order to achieve those. School is starting soon. The amusement of these posts is that in the future when you are reading your own writing, you won’t even get a sense of the emotion you are feeling at the moment. Sounds a bit too cold and too detached to describe the satisfaction I am feeling.

#64

I ended up going go-karting after dinner with Dunj. It was pretty sweet, but I found out yesterday that driving a real car is not as easy as that. V let me go around the block in his car yesterday after we patched things up because I was being a real bitch. Reason? Unknown, a shitload of excuses as usual. Instead of an almost perfect romantic dinner he had planned, we had a pretty sweet makeshift dinner at 2AM. Steak, with salad drizzled in olive oil & balsamic vinegar, with slices of cheese accompanied with wine. He even got a huge candle that repels mosquitoes, and then proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of wine. Hilarious intoxication ensued. We went to Frequency the day before, not very eventful. Going to Vaughan Mills today. I <3 Shopping. Need to study.

#63

I’m excited to dress up and go out for dinner with Dunj, am considering it a date of sorts, as interactions should be that blurred. I went rock climbing yesterday, and I see that I do not exert myself as much as I should. In 6 hrs and 20 mins, only 1 hr and 20 min has been spent on revision for the Chemistry exam. I have 16 days left, 6 of them full days, and the rest shorter ones. Although my full day has been spent with extremely prolonged procrastination.  I cooked for myself one of the days out of the week, and on a sun drenched empty summers afternoon, I passed by a construction site of a lovely home and was hit by the urge to don a pair of paint splattered overalls and ask to assist. I am getting stupider. V says we fight all the time, and I know he’s not satisfied, but I of sorts am because I am not expecting the world, much less. Oh did I mention of the house very close to campus I put down a deposit for? Pictures when I move in.

#62

Yea, that ended a while ago. Maybe I am saying this to make myself feel better, but I think in those two rejections it was mostly social pressure, regardless they resulted in a negative vibe for me. Now there’s V. We’re getting comfortable at a pace, but I do feel I’m settling a little bit. Although that is always the case, as I describe these boys, it is by their flaws. Still no place, and those are rejections too.

#61

The place did not end up mine. I made plans with my sister to go to Boston. The boy and New York, I do not see it happening. After a week long break, it is clear that he does not reciprocate my feelings. Despite the fact I went home with 3 boys, I still thought of him and tried to reach out during the weekend. As rejection feels like shit, I decided to make him feel bad too. Who knows if I actually succeeded. No more to this unhealthy relationship.

#60

A night at his place made me reconsider my current relationship. While it does have its good moments, and holds me to the sanity of the world, there’s no satisfaction of desires. I called a break, and the irony of my horoscope does not escape me.

Your role in a relationship may be shifting, even if you think that things are okay as they are. But don’t resist change now, for it could very well bring you the personal freedom that you desire. Holding on to the status quo will only make the inevitable more difficult. If you have the courage to let go of old expectations, you should be able to get what you want and reclaim your individuality in the process.

I looked at a place today, and I love it. Hopefully it will be mine with no backlash.

#60

11:11PM passed. Sitting at Starbucks waiting for C to get home. I have work tomorrow, and here I am putting caffeine in my body. Today was supposed to be a full day, plans to the brim, and instead of a perfect execution of it, I became lazy. Shopped in the afternoon after my mother returned from church. I was supposed to rush it to yoga, instead I stressed out and yelled my face off. Skipped yoga, and went down to meet the girls. Plans shot awry after that and — C called so I will leave.

#56

I physically feel sick, as if I should puke. I know it is my hunger talking, but I do not have it in me to eat. J broke up with me before we entered an official relationship. It is so final, and not up in the air similar to my other interactions. I have to get this job at the sex shop tomorrow. I need a novelty and a new environment to get me through it, Club Monaco is more than fine too. Will go to yoga in the morning. I will be sure to keep me to myself. This is from all the boys I have devastated, I deserve it.

#54

Hey bum, your patience with me makes me want to be a better person.