#62

Yea, that ended a while ago. Maybe I am saying this to make myself feel better, but I think in those two rejections it was mostly social pressure, regardless they resulted in a negative vibe for me. Now there’s V. We’re getting comfortable at a pace, but I do feel I’m settling a little bit. Although that is always the case, as I describe these boys, it is by their flaws. Still no place, and those are rejections too.

#61

The place did not end up mine. I made plans with my sister to go to Boston. The boy and New York, I do not see it happening. After a week long break, it is clear that he does not reciprocate my feelings. Despite the fact I went home with 3 boys, I still thought of him and tried to reach out during the weekend. As rejection feels like shit, I decided to make him feel bad too. Who knows if I actually succeeded. No more to this unhealthy relationship.

#48

My sister is too lenient with me. I tell her that I have charged multiple items onto her credit card, and that at one place the card was declined, instead of lecturing me in regards to the value of money and my spending habits on the frivolous, she tells me that she’ll send another card my way.

Sunday, the day for rest and quiet, I spend it catching up on my work. Procrastination is now a daily habit, yet my work is still completed before it has me too stressed or in trouble. This will bite me in the ass soon enough, seeing as all my midterms and exams are around the next corner. And despite the knowledge of this eventuality, here I am, INDULGING MYSELF.

Last night before watching Shutter Island, I picked up 2 books from Chapters,  only after losing my cell phone and not losing my cool about it. [This worries me, why am I taking many things so nonchalantly?] The two books were Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and On Creativity and the Unconscious: Sigmund Freud. The unfortunate circumstance surrounding the latter book, is that the introduction written by a man named Benjamin Nelson resonates a stronger interest in me than the rest of the pages. Both were picked up on a whim catering to my want for words that spark creativity as well as an aid for the 15 page paper I must write.

The movie itself was great, the soundtrack a bit too ominous at most parts, a backward reeling mystery.

On Friday

Before I start on Friday, I will say that I have pinpointed the reason toward my dislike of Freud’s apparent writing, they are not his words, they are translations, writing is embedded in the artistry of the words as well as the content.

…now I do not feel like recounting  Friday, except that I ended up at a classy lounge where drinks were much too expensive.  And the night before that it was another all ages Circa, despite the fun I had dancing, I should promise myself never again.

#47

Too early for me to be up, but I have stayed up too late. Wanted to get a bit of food in my tummy so I landed at a Chinese restaurant filled with black people, until all of a sudden a huge brawl broke out with tables, chairs, and plates flying all over the place. I could narrate it as I saw it, but it didn’t interest me.

Last night I went to Andypoolhall for the first time, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Favourite drink as of the moment? Malibu coconut with pineapple, but the martinis have more alcohol content thus offering a swifter dive into intoxication. I believe I’ve worn myself out quite a bit that I can be happy just doing work tomorrow.

#41

Instead of discovery of the new, I am bound by old facts. Went to the last rave at the Big Bop before its closing, and although I enjoyed myself immensely, I knew it was not right. Not much feels right ever, but intense moments of happiness always sound an alarm. I am not sure which perspective I would like to take at the moment.

#38

Sitting in my chemistry tutorial. Generally as is in accordance to personal trends, I am lagging behind, but either due to my foolish narcissism, or an unconscious righteous belief in self, I am clearly not paying attention. Still unsatisfied, not that slacking off helps. I would like to indulge in another novelty. Hopefully life will send something my way.

I bought another pair of luons yesterday, it made me feel guilty, but I kept them regardless. Wearing them right now in fact.

Will not fall prey to old sentiments, he keeps on trying to reconnect.

#34

DROWNING! Drowning. Drowning. I hate this. Sounding much like the petulant child I am, am I here to say that I have reached an impasse. At a junction where I must make a choice, choose a path. One that will hopefully imbue myself with motivation needed for the passing of a life., my life. Irony as it could be taken either way. Fictional tales. I would like to stir it up and glamourize my life, as well as play the newborn babe stuck in my owne head. I was watching The Dreamers. That was the scene I had hoped for whilst I was still in Paris. My room was gorgeous. I miss it. I’m looking for a room next year that is condusive to studying. Arfmdklfkdlfkdsfsd. I need some sort of outlet. I don’t want to drink myself to sleep, or waste away in any other manner. This holiday is slightly torturous for me. Everyday I feel more and more useless, very unproductive.  All the while I am losing words. Dear, precious words. Reading will aid in the retrieval of these words. DOPAMINE PLZ?! Need motivation.

#32

This is a thing called rejection, of the likes I am not used to. Generally it is because I am not good enough, here there is no apparent reason. The best thing that can be done is to wait it out now. Not happy, far from it actually. My back hurts so much though, leave the drinking to others next time.

#27

This is what I wanted. By trying to assimilate myself into la vie quotidienne I might be losing the beautiful part of me. I don’t think this is egotistical, it’s love. I have so much love for myself as a person, I care about where I end up, and I care about my everyday feelings. You would never want to see the person you love fall apart, yet this is where I find myself right now. Is this a cross roads of sorts? Do I have to make a choice, or can I take flight as I am?

Even as I am trying to put these thoughts into words they make much less sense than they should. I can’t keep track of my memories, the reality versus the fabrication. All I have is the moment.

I have a raging hard-on for the world.

#26

I don’t happen to enjoy moments where my mind is at too much liberty to do as it wishes. Only constructed moments of idleness fulfill me, and then, for just a slight period of time.

I managed to pack almost all of my belongings that I will need for residence. Tuesday is the last hangout as a group before we all leave. Wednesday I have an appointment at a salon. And the Thursday I move into my new life.

Note to self: Tie up loose ends.