#76

I’m loving the way I feel right now. Some sense of joy, and another of freedom. In all honesty, fantastical positive feelings never drive me to documentation, especially if they are not initiated by intoxication. I’m listening to a gospel like song, “None of us are free” by Solomon Burke. Even though I’m a bit nostalgic, and where I am in the world catches me at the cross-roads of the past and future, I’m in the present, at a point so utterly different yet parallel with who I could have been. I want to reach out to the world, and give it a message.. but I’m stuck without the right means of communication. I see this as my way out of the darkness. It’s as if I’ve caught sight of my voice again, and it prompts me to chase after it. These aren’t empty hopes, but a reality that is mine to have. I can unbind myself from the agony of depression, and choose to face this blinding light. I don’t need to fear the unknown, especially if I imagine myself capable.

11:32PM

Once in a while a moment surfaces and all you might want to do is cling on to it. Not today, I’m riding this wave and not afraid to crash.

 

#67

Last night in a mostly dormant stage I professed my love for him, and then succeeded into bringing the thought to reality in a snarky fashion after the annoyance of the unplugged phone. He reciprocated with his actions. “Thank you”, was my reply. It took him a lot of courage to work up to it, but he told me the most meaningful “I love you” today. We marveled at the sanctity of the words, while reflecting on the infantile play within an adult world.

#64

I ended up going go-karting after dinner with Dunj. It was pretty sweet, but I found out yesterday that driving a real car is not as easy as that. V let me go around the block in his car yesterday after we patched things up because I was being a real bitch. Reason? Unknown, a shitload of excuses as usual. Instead of an almost perfect romantic dinner he had planned, we had a pretty sweet makeshift dinner at 2AM. Steak, with salad drizzled in olive oil & balsamic vinegar, with slices of cheese accompanied with wine. He even got a huge candle that repels mosquitoes, and then proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of wine. Hilarious intoxication ensued. We went to Frequency the day before, not very eventful. Going to Vaughan Mills today. I <3 Shopping. Need to study.

#47

Too early for me to be up, but I have stayed up too late. Wanted to get a bit of food in my tummy so I landed at a Chinese restaurant filled with black people, until all of a sudden a huge brawl broke out with tables, chairs, and plates flying all over the place. I could narrate it as I saw it, but it didn’t interest me.

Last night I went to Andypoolhall for the first time, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Favourite drink as of the moment? Malibu coconut with pineapple, but the martinis have more alcohol content thus offering a swifter dive into intoxication. I believe I’ve worn myself out quite a bit that I can be happy just doing work tomorrow.

#41

Instead of discovery of the new, I am bound by old facts. Went to the last rave at the Big Bop before its closing, and although I enjoyed myself immensely, I knew it was not right. Not much feels right ever, but intense moments of happiness always sound an alarm. I am not sure which perspective I would like to take at the moment.

#27

This is what I wanted. By trying to assimilate myself into la vie quotidienne I might be losing the beautiful part of me. I don’t think this is egotistical, it’s love. I have so much love for myself as a person, I care about where I end up, and I care about my everyday feelings. You would never want to see the person you love fall apart, yet this is where I find myself right now. Is this a cross roads of sorts? Do I have to make a choice, or can I take flight as I am?

Even as I am trying to put these thoughts into words they make much less sense than they should. I can’t keep track of my memories, the reality versus the fabrication. All I have is the moment.

I have a raging hard-on for the world.

#23

The good news, I was given a spot on residence, and that problem has been sorted out. The mixed news, after a days of alloting time aside for personal pleasure, I finally got to the orgasm, more intense, more painful, and more tragic than the one with the ex-lover. You see, thus far I have only been able to achieve mind blowing orgasms  through clitoral stimulation, by way of girl on top; and the ex-lover is a member of the pre-mature ejaculation camp, so it was a reasonably rare occurrence, though it did not bother me much because I do have a problem showing the loss of control on my part. As it stands, my orgasms are a pleasure so good that I can’t help but keep on going, but as it builds, it becomes agonizingly painful, forcing me to remind myself to just breathe and relax while the wave hits me. This time on my solo adventure, my mouth was gasping for air, and tears were trickling down my face. All I wanted at the moment of climax was to hold on to someone. The faces of past lovers flashed through my mind. Realizing that I was going solo at the time, I curled up into a ball trying to drown out the pounding in my head, as well as the pain of my body. Now, let me say that the emotional turmoil combined with the body numbing pain eerily reminded me of my bad trips on MDMA, so I had to hurry to the living room to pop an ibuprofene, and take a bit of dark chocolate to calm down my raging hormones.

#19

I want someone to fuck the intellect out of me. Aside from that, I’ve started reading an English translation of the Qur’an, and I asked for the German girl’s e-mail. I’m not yet comfortable talking on the phone with strangers, but hopefully in the future it will become a norm. The German girl has an infectious laughter, a gorgeous hair, lovely tits, and long legs.

#18

My hands are itchy from the dish washing detergent. First set of dishes I’ve washed in a while. I’m drinking a glass of Bordeaux, red. My heart is getting lighter by the second, and worries have been lifted. Instead of going to see Le Tour De France, I think I will head of to Centre Pompidou instead.

#15

Some part of me that I have a hard time recognizing, would like to have and raise a child soon. Despite the fact that I can’t even seem to take care of myself, I would like to have an innocent child depend on me. I need to work on attaining that future, but I’m not sure how my current plans to be a psychiatrist fit in with this idea. Whether I find a man who would like take care of me and what’s mine, or if I acquire independance, I want to live in a small town until the child is 8, then move to a big city. It’s all hazy and up in the air, but I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.