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#75

toytose — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 01:21:26 +0000

When I turned 12 I told myself I wanted to stay young forever. When I turned 16 I told myself it was time to accept the eventuality of passing time. Now I’m 19 going on 20, and I realize that I won’t feel old for a very long time. I used to be so sure of facts. I used to look up at my sister, who is 10 years my senior, and I used to believe that she had all the answers. I am now the same age as she was, and I know none of these answers.

I used to believe that all these experiences under my belt would allow me to feel more confident, especially in regards to my sexuality. Now I just call myself heterosexual and realize I’m in the land of vanilla. The only thing that has changed is that I allow myself the pleasure of being vocal when I’m being penetrated.

#74

toytose — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 05:20:51 +0000

We are better than ever. I don’t become angry and annoyed at him in my sleep anymore, and hardly in real life, only when we’re both tired and grumpy. The love is there though. The worry here at the moment is how I cannot seem to do anything except procrastinate, not that it gives me any joy in the least. I’m constantly flooded with the sensation of migrane headaches. Took a bite of my roomie’s magic brownies, relieved the throbbing pain. Went off birth control, and the pimples are coming back along with the sex drive. Two prospective new girl friends, and the other one that was in the works I am becoming closer too.

#73

toytose — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 02:02:52 +0000

Two days previous, on November 19, V broke up with me. He walked out on me despite his constant reassurances that under no circumstances would he give up on us. Distressed, I ran out into the frigid cold wearing minimal clothing chasing after him. I have no words to stress how painful it was, but it did drive me to make promises that I will be sure to keep. We’re sitting side by side on our respective laptops at the moment, him reading notes on a book he read, and I documenting a moment past.

#72

toytose — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 01:01:32 +0000

What scares me most is to fail at what I love doing, so I find myself walking down the left fork of the road. And all this time I thought myself to be strong and persevering, when in reality I manage to even deceive myself.

No worries though, you’ve still got tons to prove to yourself. Tonight you must finish 2 readings, print out the essay handout and brainstorm on ideas. Tomorrow you will do the lab prep, and start exam notes for bio and biochm.

#71

toytose — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 05:08:38 +0000

I wish I could convince myself that it isn’t worth it. How do I juggle this fantasy of love with my fantasy for a future? I wear his shirt to sleep and during the day because I can’t bear to be apart with him. A random movement might send molecules of his scent colliding into my olfactory sensory receptors. The binding of the ligand triggers a G protein coupled secondary messenger cAMP pathway amplifying an innocuous event into a heart wrenching feeling. I haven’t been able to translate love into chemical signals yet, but if I continue to pursue both paths simultaneously I believe I will find easy diffusion between the two, much like the action of the ependymal cells lining the ventricles which serve as the barrier between the cerebrospinal fluid and interstitial fluid located in the brain.

#70

toytose — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 21:26:24 +0000

When we lie together and fall asleep, we are always one entity. Whether it is him that is curled up behind me, or I pressed up against him, whether my toes are ticking his, or his hand is holding mine, whether my shoulder is crushing his, or his arm is thrown over my hip, there is always some form of contact. It is as if we can’t bear being apart, especially not in each-other’s presence. I flutter from slumber, and feel satiated. His arms are wrapped around me, and his nose nuzzling my neck, he whispers, “I love you.” This was today, and I think my reply was, “..me too.” Thinking it was too sweet I decided to add something along the lines of, “..that I love myself of course.” When it was finally time for him to leave today, I felt so sick that I did not even plead with him as I normally do to stay. He just tucked me in, and I let him slip past my consciousness. Bear texted while I was at a prep session today, he asked me if my world was replying to my texts. I told him that I wasn’t texting him, and Bear asked me why. It struck my curiosity as well. I came up with bits and memories of my feelings after he left, and realized I did not feel empty yet. His presence still permeated. Eventually I started to lose that feeling and tried to get into contact. It turned out he was asleep. He told me of two dreams, one where his parents blamed him for starting his sister on drugs (I doubt that will be a problem), the other where he was driving errands and realized he had my phone, and needed to return it. Both scratched my vanity, as the first was his subconscious protecting me, and the second was his subconscious wanting to get in contact with me. The latter I too had in one of my dreams, wherein I kept on asking my dream figures where my boyfriend was, because I really felt like I needed him.. except during that time I still had my blocks up along with the fact that him and I weren’t so close.. so my dream figures said, “We’re just figments of your imagination, what would we know?”.. they wholeheartedly denied his existence. Home is where the heart is.

I laugh about one point in time during the morning when half awake I slipped from the covers and voiced how I needed to pee, then he covered me up, and I just lay there thinking of going to the washroom, but I kept on falling asleep. This occurred thrice, and then I finally was able to get up. The significance for me is the covering me up with the blankets, knowing I was a lazy bum unable to send myself off to the washroom. =)

#69

toytose — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 02:04:56 +0000

Three month anniversary from the day we fucked. We celebrated with three unique cum splatters. Always greedily lapped up by my cunt, then dripping down my legs, it journeyed toward its final destination, the carpet. Last night we went to a modern Japanese restaurant, the service was great, and the atmosphere intimately grandiose, but the food was not made for enjoyable consumption. He did look handsome, regardless of the critiques served by yours truly. I purchased heels for the occasion, 5 inches of stiletto wonder paired with black translucent pantyhose garnished with an elegant seam running up the back of my legs teasing the cusp of my buttocks. A black strapless sweetheart neckline little number was donned. He accompanied me with polished shoes, classic dress pants, and a slim fitted metallic hued blue dress shirt. A sleek black belt with a matte buckle adorned his waist.

#68

toytose — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 18:22:58 +0000

It seems as if I have changed a lot. My love for words is a fleeting memory, alongside the bittersweet sadness that used to surround me. V stayed over at my home last night, it played out like that distant dream wherein I wondered how I managed to smuggle him in my home and for it to be alright. Living out on my own has matured me a little. I have more concerns over money, and my study habits are slowly establishing themselves. I am losing the itch to experience the world, but I think I am okay with that. Today I am going to Wonderland, aha it will actually exhilarate me as I will be scared shitless.

My fb status yesterday about sums up the ordinary tragedies of my so-called life;

Unexpected allergic reaction, hot water failure, lack of heating, empty fridge, and no funds. I’m loving it. On the bright side, less superfluous distractions from BCH210.

#67

toytose — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 22:35:30 +0000

Last night in a mostly dormant stage I professed my love for him, and then succeeded into bringing the thought to reality in a snarky fashion after the annoyance of the unplugged phone. He reciprocated with his actions. “Thank you”, was my reply. It took him a lot of courage to work up to it, but he told me the most meaningful “I love you” today. We marveled at the sanctity of the words, while reflecting on the infantile play within an adult world.

#66

toytose — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 01:19:29 +0000

You did none of those things on that list. Except the G1 is still on its way. Today you cooked all by your lonesome, flavouring is lacking, but the effort is there. You are in a fantastic and supportive relationship. Living by yourself is harder but more rewarding that you thought it would be. Going to Boston was a guilt-trip, literally. Spending money on all the excesses, but it makes you want to work harder in order to achieve those. School is starting soon. The amusement of these posts is that in the future when you are reading your own writing, you won’t even get a sense of the emotion you are feeling at the moment. Sounds a bit too cold and too detached to describe the satisfaction I am feeling.